I dream a heck of a lot.

My dreams have been changing lately because of someone.

            Distance is cruel.

           

            I foolishly wait for something and hope for anything, yet I know nothing can happen.  Foolishly I hope, and foolishly I still wait for nothing.

            There’s really not many things in life you can depend on.  But when you find something or someone, life becomes warmer.

            Has there every been a time where you just.. space out completely?  In the sense where you can’t hear anything around you, or can’t even process what’s in front of you?

            There’s a feeling that I want to get out of here, yet I don’t’ want to leave things behind.  Yet there’s things I want to seek, yet there’s things that I wish to keep.

            I thought life would be a breeze now, but it’s just getting harder.

            And there’s so many things I want to do!  Yet my time’s really running short!

            What happened to those “childish” dreams that used to be so strong?

            It’s difficult going on through your day with all this luggage in your mind.

            There’s many people in my life where I just want to tell them to stay golden.

            Guys, sometimes, we just have to stop worrying what other people think of us.  Because that fear-of-man changes many of us.  Just be who you are and act whatever comes to mind.  It’s not fair to let others restrict yourself.

            Hopefully, whatever road I’ll take will lead me to happiness.  Cuz sometimes, that’s all we want in life.

           

           

            

What a Saturday.

A lot happened in one day.  Good times and troubling times, but all positive memories that I’ll never forget.  Saturday was a day of many “firsts.”  First time venturing to Philly by ourselves, finding a random place we’ve never been before in an environment we’ve never lived in… it was hectic!  And first time using the subways….and getting stuck!!!

I have to say that it’s the first time I ever experienced a feeling of “hopelessness.”  Missing our last train back home and staring at the schedule screen that read “subway schedule will be back online next morning” … while also being stuck in the train station during midnight with a service attendant who wouldn’t bother helping out… As I sat on the cold benches, I honestly felt that I wouldn’t be able to get home for the first time in my life. 

Which made me realize a lot of things.  I live such easy life.  Food is given, shelter is always there, and the necessities of survival are readily at hand.  A small moment of being “stuck” gave me such anxiety while there are people out there sleeping in the streets.  Dam.

So that fact gave me some comfort.  In the back of my mind, I still felt safe.  As strange as it may sound, it wasn’t difficult to put a smile on my face.  Or pull out some jokes to fill the grave environment with some laughter.  Maybe it’s because the fact that the society I live in is so “forgiving.”  Though we were stuck, we’ll ALWAYS have one method of getting home.  Calling our parents and having them haul their ass to Philly and pick us up by car.  Haha!

But it’s also the fact that you’re with people you know.  People you trust, people that’ll help you, or people that can just pull a joke out even in a difficult situation. 

Though we were in a pretty bad situation, I didn’t feel a wince of nervousness.  I knew we’ll get home soon enough.  And being with friends, the moment almost became fun.

On Saturday, I was reminded of the power of being with friends.  We suffer together, but we grow together.  We experience together, we learn together.  We laugh together, we create memories together.

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As college approaches, I feel like I’m slowly being fed small portions of reality.  To the crazy people in the city to the difficult situations where we have to do things on our own, I’m slowly being accustomed to do things on my own.

And of course this situation is dynamically “less serious.”  There will be situations in the future where I’ll SERIOUSLY be screwed … but at least I know now to brace for impact, right?

After a long night of dancing and finding our way back home, I can say that it was a pretty successful weekend. 

And I feel like I've lost a precious jewel in my life.  The days we walked, to the nights we played, all became memorable experiences just because you were in them.

And it took me years of maturing, and understanding, and experiencing, to understand what a treasure you were. My ignorance blinding me from the beautiful, trashing the valuable opportunity that could have been.

And oh, it could have been.  Yet I didn't bother chasing.  Like a pretty butterfly, you fluttered away.

And seeing everything else in my life made me realize the true beauty that simply WAS.  The absolute beauty that lay in front of me each and everyday.  Yet ignorance and immaturity clouded my eyes.

And years later I sit here, wishing to return.  Clueless as to why these feelings flourish.  I didn't want to feel this way.  I want to continue on and face what's ahead of me.  I'm quite honestly sick and tired of constantly looking behind me.

But it's my only alternative to escape from reality.
As life severs delicate bonds, my fists clench in anger.

I wage war to the unseen forces that constantly wage war to us.

It's hard dealing with a heart that keeps going one way while your mind wants to go the other.  My mind tries to focus on what's real, on what's POSSIBLE.  But my heart gravitates towards the IMPOSSIBLE.

And my mind can never beat my heart.  Curse this feeling.

Why am I attracted to the impossible?  Why do I reach for things that I can't get?

Sometimes, I'll never grow.

I want to build up my own car sooo much!  I'm literally ITCHING right now...

Photo credit to ThePerfectExposure.  Check out his blog!!!

A Hopeless Circle

Just some food for thought ...

Maybe it's just me... but..  First things first.  I blame our country.  I blame it for being too rich.  A place too comfortable for our own good.  A place where things are too easy.  A place that doesn't teach us.  A place that doesn't let us properly grow as human beings.

America is great.  Don't get me wrong.  But it turns us into useless people with no dreams.

Many of my friends say "dude.. I don't know what to do when I grow up."  Or, "dude.. what should I be when I grow up?"

And I just think that's so messed up.  Jeez, you're talking about your LIFE here.  And you're asking ME what YOU wanna do?   But it also says a lot.  It reflects a "lost" generation.  Life has been so easy for so many of us (and I'm not talking about hard studying to get good grades and all that jazz).

There has not been ONE moment where I've waken up on a morning and asked myself "how am I going to eat today?  Where can I find food that will last me today?  Will I survive to see tomorrow?"

We just wake up, and the food is there.  We go outside and our transportation awaits us.  We go home to a warm house.  Shelter is not a problem.  Yet we've grown accustomed to think that these are all "normal."

Our idea of "normal" is so luxurious compared to others.  While we have all these things, others work for them.

There are others who work everyday to see the next day.  The food they eat is out of their own sweat and labor. They "learn" something special.  Out of their sufferings, they TRULY grow, and realize from an early age that in this world, we HAVE to WORK for things.

But I'm getting off topic here.



So remember how I said that I blame our country?  I really do.  It's a place too comfortable for our own good.  Its a place where we don't really have to work for anything.  We don't suffer enough to truly see life the way it is.  Eating delicious food everyday?  Sleeping every night to a warm bed?  Having a clean bathroom to do your business in?  Oh believe me.  Those are luxuries that really isn't "reality."

In this comfortable nation, we are blind.  We can't hear our calling.  We don't see our purpose in life.  Each day we go to school, come home, do some homework, study, watch TV, and hit the sack.  How are we supposed to know what our life calling is then?

Perhaps theres a student out there who is a failure in school, which destroyed his motivation and dream in his life.

 But what if he was the next person to find a cure for cancer?

Humans, are just like plants.  With the proper environment, they can truly blossom into something beautiful.

But we're being over-watered.

Our culture fattens us till we can't see.  We all have that hidden potential.  But our lifestyle is completely killing it.  Murder, I cry!  MURDER!

Why not go on more field trips?  Why not do more hand-on activities?  Why not explore the wilderness everyday during class?  Perhaps then students will be able to hear their calling.  Because EVERYONE has a purpose in life.

So when people say "dude.. what should I major in?"  It saddens me... the fact that all that beautiful "could-be" potential going down the drain...  It saddens me really.

And I see my friends saying "Hey, i kinda wanna major in this, or that, and maybe this job will be fun."  In my view, if you don't have a passion for a certain major, you WILL fail.  Or grow up to be real cruddy at what you do.

So it's no wonder that we see so many high-school drop-outs (but then again, high-school drop-outs can even grow to be millionaires!  With the proper mindset that is..) and college drop-outs, and people working jobs they don't want.

And in the end, perhaps it's God's way of making everything functional.  We need those people behind desks doing boring paperwork.  We need someone to do all those odd/boring/hard/dirty jobs, despite how unfair that may be.

Perhaps it's all just a hopeless circle?

Goodness I love airports.  What a strange thing to love, right?

I was sick since Monday afternoon, so I skipped school Tuesday and Wednesday, leaving me with a LOT of free-time.  To do.. well.. nothing really.  After wasting some hours on the computer and xbox, I went into our guest-room/library (pathetic excuse of a library actually...) and dug out some old photos.  

For no other reason besides boredom, I dug into this old cabinet that contained the pictures throughout our lives. I was just blazing through these pictures.  One after the other, 3 pictures a second, my eyes skimming like mad.  Trips to random amusement parks, and the zoo, and that one fun birthday party where this mad-scientist came to perform tricks.

And when I was done, I felt like I re-visited my life once again.  The pictures I saw became snapshots in my mind, like the image you get when you pause a video.  All those snapshots were then connected in my mind, playing out like a movie.  It was an absolute high.

A particular moment I remembered was the midnight we took an escapade to Disney World in Florida.  Heading outside before even an inch of sunlight hit the sky.  In my cargo shorts, I opened the window during our drive to the airport.  The wind blasting around me, traveling through my hair and sending chills throughout my spine.  The coolness of early morning wind fluttering through my shirt.  What a rush.  And the sun now creeping up towards the horizon, illuminating only a patch of the sky while leaving the rest a dark dark navy blue.  The yellow-orange street lights that zipped passed me as our car blasted through the highway.  A beautiful moment that I cannot forget.

And the airport!  Boy, the airport.  My brother and I would venture off to the numerous shops. All sorts of places you could imagine.  The smell of roasted coffee would fill our noses, yet walking a little further, we would be greeted with smells of tempura fried shrimps.  And even further, we would be hit unexpectedly by scents of strange soaps and lotions from a French perfume mart.


But the airport is really a magical place.  And I'm thankful I think of it this way (as others probably dread the place).  It's a gateway to the world beyond us.  The world I envisioned when I was just a toddler was a small place.  My world was my house, the playground, and school; and whatever lied in between.

But going to the airport made me feel like an adventurer.  The gateway to lands across the seas, where people from all nations filtered through to get wherever they need.

And once again, I'm thankful I view airports this way.  They were such an adventure to visit.  As adults probably dread the long lines, and the long baggage claim waits, I found beauty in the huge rooms, with complicated machinery everywhere.  And strange scents everywhere I walked.  And the busy-ness that occurred all around me!  Taxis beeping here and there, people scampering with their luggage to get to the other side of the road, people literally dashing through the terminals with briefcases in hand, the loud announcer on the speakers that warned 10 minutes until boarding time.  It was so new!

I absolutely love the airport.  Sometimes I anticipate visiting the airport more than actually the vacation itself.  But it's just the person that I am.  I enjoy the journey just as much as I enjoy the destination.

Ahhh!

Past

Sometimes I long for the past.  There are times while I lay on my bed at the darkest hour of the night, my mind intoxicated from constant entries and exits of the dream-world, and I simply request an impossible wish to an impossible magician, "Please rewind me back to the past."  And foolishly I lay, actually believing that it may happen if I wish hard enough.  As I open my eyes, the darkness of the room is still there.

Sometimes I truly believe my past was so much more beautiful than my present.  And of course this doesn't apply to everyone.  There are the unfortunate who lived a terrifying past and wish to never re-live it again.  And to those, my heart reaches out to you...

My past, was beautiful.  Not simply because it was a "care-free" life.  But it was pure magic.  There are constant moments where I wish to re-live it again.  I would be happy just to be a ghost and watch my whole life like a DVD-movie.

The memories I have, the snapshots I re-imagine, and the moments I re-live can only be described as magical.  Those small fragments of memories in my mind are like drugs.  For some unexplainable reason, my mind rushes with unknown pleasure to these thoughts.

I then ask myself, "Why do I wish to re-visit the past so much?"  Is it because there were regrets I wish to fix?  Or problems I wish to solve?  Or things I want to change?

Or perhaps I just hate the life I live now?

It's none of those things.  I actually love the life I live now.  I love the friends I share my life with.  I love the activities I engage in.  I love the hobbies I have grown to do.  

Yet there's a part of me that still wishes for the past.  It's unexplainable.  

And it then prompted me to ask many of my friends.  "Do you sometimes wish you can just re-live your past?"  Because I felt like I was in a hopeless-circle all by myself.  Why do I long for impossible things?

And they all said to enjoy the present moment.  For the past will be the past, and nothing can be changed about that. . .

I ask myself... but doesn't the past mean anything to you?  Isn't there a beauty behind it?  The past is like a beautiful bridge that led you to the destination you are at right now.  And sometimes, you just want to go back to the bridge and see the world.  Because sometimes, the journey is more important than the destination.

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As I constantly live this way, I long to change.  Because the impossible will always be impossible.  Despite people saying "anything is achievable," there are things that will always be unattainable.  But that's the beauty.

I long to change my ways.  Blogging I guess helped me prioritize my thoughts.  

It's dangerous to constantly live a life always re-visiting the past.  Just like drunk-driving, you have to always focus on what's ahead of you.  If your mind is someplace else, an accident is bound to occur.  Oppurtunities will wash away right before your eyes.  New relationships will evaporate while you still live in your dreamworld.

But still.

When traffic ceases to exist, and when the roads are void of any potential dangers, it's absolute magic to just close your eyes and re-live a moment of your life...